deep

i have this feeling inside - it's deep emotion. the kind of deep where you cannot see the bottom. the kind of deep where you could fall forever. deeper than red and purple - the deepest colors. deeper than when i express a thought and shannon says 'hmm, deep.' i feel like i'm getting lost in this deep emotion mixture of emotions. 

inadequate. overwhelmed. failure. sadness. happiness. relief. frustration.

this all stems from the fact that: i lost my student government board election, i'm failing all my classes, i have about $80 in the bank, i cannot apply for the truman scholarship, i'm not having sex, my little brother is throwing his life away, i'm tired, music is slipping away, i met a really cool person but i'm not allowing myself to be happy, and happy people make me secretly angry, etc etc etc

and i'm not sure exactly how all of this came to be, but now it's here and i don't know how to deal with it. so i just keep everything to myself and put a smile on my face and 'fake the funk' because that's what i'm supposed to do right? i don't trust anyone enough to really let them know what's going on in my head. well i trust you a little bit because i'm allowing you to read this. but, this is just a shallow view of that deepness...

ok and i'm out!